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SG-Carnage
by
M
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TITLE: SG-Carnage
AUTHOR: M
EMAIL: scum_bucket_11@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Action/Adventure
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: It's sort of up to date, so nearly every plot I can think of!
SEASON / SEQUEL: future
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: SG-1 may hav stopped the Goa'uld once, but now there's a team just for that purpose!
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I call this my pilot episode, If you want to see more adventures from SG-carnage, let me know :)
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Setting- The To'kra need help, not new hosts; but some one to help them destroy the Gou'old!It's time for SG- carnage!
Characters:
Fredrick 'Fred' O'Sheen - bomb expert, just a bit older than daniel
Jack O'Sheen - language expert, bit younger than Daniel, Fred's cousin
Hans Vonnen Stein - Commanding officer, ex-German special ops.
Geri Necris- 'Guns and stuff'expert, pilot
In the SG briefing room:
Hammond: You're here today to help save the world
Fredrick: Not again! Damn those terrorists! they just wont leave me alone!
Hammond: No, it's worse than terrorists, a lot worse.
Fredrick: Terrorists with nerve gas !?!
Jack: Shut up Fred!
Hammond: Thank you, first I'd like you to meet some very special peopleThe general nodded at the guard at the door. He opened it and in walked SG-1, who sat down across the table.
Jack: Oh my God! That's Daniel Jackson! Your papers practically got me through my PhD!
Daniel: Thanks, but you'll need more than my papers for this.
Geri: Ok, a geek convention, whoopee, what *is* the problem and why am I here?
Hammond: oh, just an alien race is threatening to destroy the world, and some other worlds, and anything they don't destroy they enslave. Problem enough for you Miss Necris?
Geri: whoopee
Fredrick: When the hell did all of this happen?!?
Daniel: Well it's actually been happening for thousands of years, Earth was actually one of the earlier planets they took over; in Ancient Egypt. Of course we got a bit pissed off, rebelled and drove them off.
Fredrick: Go Earth!
Daniel: yes, thank you; go Earth. Anyway, they used a thing called a stargate to get here, which we (Earth) destroyed when they left. Unfortunately, we constructed it again when we dug it up in Egypt a while ago.
Jack: So they're coming back through? Can't you just bury it?
Fredrick: Or blow it up!
Sam (Carter): Well it's not that simple. They, sort of have ships, that can get here very fast.
Jack (O'Neil): And they also destroy entire planets, which isn't a good thing; trust me.
Hans: zen vhy have day not destvoyed us bevore?
Daniel: To be honest, they just didn't care about us. But now, we've become a threat
O'Neil: A big threat
Hammond: Especially now we've allied with the To'kra and all of the other 'good guy' races.
Jack (O'sheen): Good guy races?
O'Neil: yer, the To'kra, the Asguard, some other smaller races.
Jack: and they haven't helped because...
O'Neil: The To'kra are still only a small group, and our Asguard friends have some serious problems of their own to attend to; you know the 'intergalactic war' kinda problems.
Geri: So you want *us* to destroy a huge alien race that no one else can take care of? Oh Whoopee...
Carter: Not a race! Just the system lords.
Geri: The who?
Carter: The system lords, they're the ones that destroy stuff and enslave people.
Geri: An alien is an alien ma'am, I say wipe 'em all out, it's much easier to get them all instead of a couple of select ones.
Carter: My Father is one of those Aliens Miss Necris!
Fredrick: What the? you're an alien?!? This just gets weirder and weirder!
Carter: General, you didn't even explain what the Gou'olds are? I think that's an important part of this.
Teal'c: Yes, I believe that is true, as I am an alien and would rather not be 'wiped out'
Geri: Two aliens! I must need brain medicine or something.
Hammond: stop, stop, stop. I think it's time to explain what a gou'old is *and* I must point out that Major Carter is not an alien.
Geri: But the big, silent guy over there is?
Hammond: oh yes... any problem with that miss Necris?
Geri: erm... no sir?
Hammond: Ok then, now to explain a Gou'old. They are parasitic worms that live inside a host. They control this host in most cases. However in the case of the To'kra, the simbiotes 'share' the body with host instead of taking it over.
Carter: My father is a To'kra, and has a simbiote inside him, but he shares it with him, so don't kill my father!
O'Neil: I think the nice people get the point.
Carter; Sorry sir, sensitive issue.
Hammond: You have been selected to go and live with the To'kra and help them destroy the system lords
Hans: You vant us to live viv ze 'gut alienz' ant fight ze 'bad alienz'?
Hammond: Yes
Hans: oh vonderbar! (sarcastically)
Hammond: We'll supply you with our standard human weapons
Fred: And explosives!
Jack: shut up Fred! for god's sake shut up!
Hammond: No. he's right. But the To'kra will also supply you with some weapons.
Geri: whoopee
Hans: vat kind of vepons?
O'Neil: I'll take it from here General, Teal'c, gimme the zat gun please. This is a zat gun, shoot once to do this.
Jack aims and fires, it of course hits Daniel, who sits there in pain for a minute or so.
O'Neil: two shots will kill something, and three makes the body or thing disappear completely. Teal'c, can I have the staff weapon? This is much simpler, it just sort of kills stuff.
O'Neil aims at a plant pot across the room and fires. This destroys part of the wall (and the plant pot).
O'Neil: any questions?
Fred: yes, what are the explos
Jack interrupts: shut up Fred!
Fred: sorry...
Hammond: A member of the To'kra will be here soon to collect you, so I'd say good-bye to any family or friends in the next 2 hours.
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Part 2 of SG- carnage
Jack (on pay phone): Hi, mum. erm... I don't know how to say this, but I've been re-located...I know, I know... No, I erm... wont be able to write; the site is deep in the jungle, no roads out. er... that's another thing. I sort of start right now, another guy pulled out... Yes, I'll take care... Sorry, I've gotta go, the plane's boarding.. bye! See ya in a while.. A very long while...
Fred: Don't worry, you'll see her again once we've taken this alien guy down. I've gotta phone my parents now as well, if you're mother isn't already there shouting about how 'there's no respect' or 'my poor baby'.
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In the briefing room-
Teal'c: General Hammond, do you believe the new team will succeed in destroying the system lords?
Hammond: If any one will, it's them
O'Neil: Those O'Sheen guys, are they related?
Hammond: yep, they're cousins, but according to the report I got they're more like brothers, they'll by invaluable to the mission.
Daniel: Does this team have a name yet? I think they should at least have something different, no more 'SG- random number' stuff.
Teal'c: I believe Daniel Jackson is right, their efforts should earn them an original name.
Hammond: Very well, we'll call them... SG-Carnage, which is hopefully what they'll be causing.
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Fred (On pay phone): Yo dad! I've got news! I'm going to a far away country on a training exercise. I might not be back for a very long time... How long? erm... Don't know, it's a very advanced and realistic training course... What do you mean 'no respect'?.... What... I can't hear you, you're breaking up... . Understanding as always, they still haven't forgiven me for blowing up the car...
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briefing room -
Carter: Who did you say that woman was?
Hammond: Who? Miss Necris? yes, she was a late addition to the team. She's from the airforce, but prefers guns to aircraft. She's very volatile, easy to anger, but she'll help the team along.
Daniel: I'm beginning to see why you called it team Carnage...
Hammond: Oh the best is yet to come; the commander, Hans. He *was* German special forces, until they kicked him out for taking things into his own hands. He wiped out a whole gang of jungle rebels after they killed his friend Klaus, by himself.
Carter: And you want to send him to save the world?
Hammond: Let's not forget what some of you have done for each other over the years, particularly when there are Gou'old sarcophagi around.
Hammond: Hans? Aren't you contacting your family? My report says you have parents back in Germany
hans: I have not spoken to dem in over ten years.
Hammond: Aren't you going to contact your family either?
Geri: erm.. let me think, the last words they spoke to me were 'Don't come back you ungrateful witch'.
O'Neil: Witch?
Geri: My parents are sort of old fashioned. Hey German, what's your story?
Hans: German? Zat is a bit general isn't it?
Geri: Helps me keep track of things
Hans: Ok then Christian, vant to know miene story?
Geri: Christian?
Hans: It helps me keep track of things
Geri: oh whoopee, a sarcastic German, this'll be fun...
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Part 3: Departures
The two teams and Hammond are gathered in the gate room
Hammond: Say hi to the star gate; it'll be taking you across the galaxy in a few minutes, and you'll probably be using them alot in the future.
Hans: them? zere are more of dem?
Hammond: definitely, hundreds, maybe thousands more. It's an intergalactic hi-way system, you'll use them to get from planet to planet.
Geri: whoopee!
Guy in gate room: Incoming traveller, it's the to'kra!
The gate activates and the Carnage team stand back looking amazedCarter's father, and some other To'kra emerge through the watery affects.Carter runs over "Dad!"
Mr. Carter: Sam! General , these are the people you've got for me? Troops or civilians?
Hammond: Mostly troops, Jack over there is a civ, but he's had basic training.
Mr. Carter: Ok, what have you told them exactly?
Hammond: Don't worry, they know what a To'kra and a Gou'old are. And we've shown them a zat gun and a staff weapon. They still don't know much, I thought I'd leave the teaching part to the person who knows the most.
Mr. Carter: I knew you would old man. I wont be teaching you of course. That job goes to this person, who will also be on your team. This is Rio'tley
Rio'tley: Hi
Mr. Carter: And this is Tz'erun
Tz'erun: Greetings.
Geri: What in god's name was that?!?
Tz'erun: I am the simbiote inside Rio'tley, did General Hammond not speak off our bonding?
Fred: He told us there was a thing inside you that 'shared' your body. I didn't hear about the glowing eyes and split personality though!
Geri: I think I need some brain medicine again, and maybe he does too...
Tz'erun: No, I am inside Rio'tley. Rio'tley is my host and we are different people, not just split personalities.
Mr. Carter : Boy, you really didn't tell them alot did you?
Hammond : I wanted to see their reactions. They haven't tried to kill you all yet so I think it's worked; these people are ready to go. Ok people, lets move out!
The gate begins to dial while the team gather's their stuff (mostly clothing, explosives and ammo for the guns)The team and to'kra walk through
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Part 4: And so it begins
The group walk out onto a desert planet, with no sign of civilisation any where.
Geri: where are your to'kra friends?
Rio'tley: stand here , stand close now!
Rio'tley: welcome to your new home! I'll take you to meet the council, come this way.
Council member 1: greetings Tak'ree, you honour us with your presence. Greetings Rio'tley and Tz'erun.
Fred: Greetings council dudes! What? I saw it on Bill and Ted... what?
Jack: shut up Fred...
: greetings Human dudes. (said seriously)Member 1: Our facilities are your facilities, you are all members of the To'kra now.
Hans: Does dat mean ve have to get a vorm thing?
Member 1: Not unless you want one, all bonding must be voluntary, that is what makes us different to the Gou'old!
Geri: ok, ok... chill...
Member 1: Sorry, that is sort of a big issue around here... anyway, you will be briefed on the situation in an hour, in the mean time, look around. And Rio'tley and Tz'erun will show you your rooms.
Member 1: They show promise,does anyone know what the large black haired one was on about?
Member 2: Apparently we are all 'dudes'.... those To'kree just keep getting weirder...
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Rio'tley: Ok, you, with the funny accent, what was your name again?
Hans: Hans vonnen Stein
Rio'tley: Ok, Hans Vonnen Stein, these are your quarters, I'll see you in an hour. Fred, you are in the room next door, and you; Fred's friend, you're in the one next to him. As a surprise, you are in the room after that. Enjoy!
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Hans' room- it is just like the others (crystalline walls) and has a table and a single bed on one wall. On the table he places his gun and the small amount of ammo he carries in his pocket. The bag containing his clothes and other ammo he puts beside the bed. He then just lies on the bed deep in thought.
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Fred's room-- it's just like the other's rooms. He rubs his hands and starts to unpack. On the table he puts a box which contents are unknown to every one but him. He also puts a picture frame on the table, which shows him and Jack as children, with Jack in a hospital bed.
Instinct (and military training) then set in and he secures his room with a trip wire at the door, and puts his lucky pistol under his pillow. He then unpacks the rest of his stuff (mostly detonators and clothes) beside the bed.
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Jack's room (also the same as the others)- On his table he unpacks a mountain of books on ancient cultures and some notes that Daniel Jackson gave him "plenty to read then..." he thinks. He then takes out a picture frame, in it is the same picture that Fred's frame showed, he places it on top of the piles of books, over looking the room from it's sentry tower of literature.
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Geri's room- She just throws her bag and guns onto the table and sets about decorating the room in posters that she stored in a pocket in the bag. She tries using drawing pins to stick them to the wall but the crystal is too solid, so she has to use some chewing gum she had at hand (or mouth). The posters depict scenes from the Alien trilogy of films (not from resurrection, which she thinks was just a money making scheme and not a movie). She soon lies on the bed, admiring her handy work.
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Fred's room- Fred's lying on his bed, appearing to be a sleep. Jack comes jogging around the corner to the door.Jack : Hi Fred! ooff! . ouch.
Fred gets up nearly wetting himself with laughter. :hahaha! Man! You 'fell' for it again! Every time you fall for it! Ever since we were in the scouts! hahahaha.....
Jack: Shut up Fred (he can't help giggling a bit)... anyway, how'd you set it up that fast?
Fred: Military secrets my friend... hahahaha.... (continues laughing sporadically)
Jack's head slumps to the floor in embarrassment: shut up Fred... (still giggling a bit)
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Hans' room- Hans is still on the bed, and is speaking to himself in German, but after hearing the laughing gets up and walks to Fred's room. Vat's all der laugher about? you getting up to something in their boys? Want a double room?He walks in, but trips over the wire: ooff, ouch.
Jack: ouch
He lands on Jack and they all start laughing like the funniest joke in the world had just been told.
Geri runs in to see what all the fuss is about and also trips up, but because she's running she goes flying and lands on Fred's clothing beside the bed. There's a moment of silence, before the men start laughing again (but even louder now).
Geri storms out: Men! (she shouts back at them)
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Part 5: Briefing
Rio'tley walks down the corridor to get the members of SG-Carnage. He looks in Hans' room, but finds nothing. He looks in Fred's room and finds Jack, Fred and Hans all laughing at jokes they've probably been telling the whole hour since meeting the council.
Rio'tley: The council awaits you, you need to get ready.
Hans: ah, Vunderbar!
Jack and Fred burst out laughing at the same time, and Hans quickly follows suit.
Rio'tley walks to Geri's room and finds she has somehow managed to set up a chin-up bar in the door way with her gun as the bar.
Rio'tley: The council will receive you now, please get ready.
Geri: oh, whoopee. (sarcastically)
The team is soon ready and assembled in the council room. The council members, Rio'tley and Mr. Carter enter the room. Everyone but Jack stands to attention, who just puts his hands behind his back.
Mr. Carter: At ease
Member1: We have gathered you here to give you your first mission SG-.... Selmak, what did they call them again?
Selmak : SG-Carnage sir.
Member1: Sg- Carnage. This is an image of a planet known as Wallmit 3. It is being targeted by the Gou'old for annihilation because of these:. These are called 'Predons' by the Gou'old, and they want them destroying. It seems that they have the power to detect simbiotes in some one, which is a security risk for the system lords if we get hold of any. Your mission
Fred: should we chose to accept it (he chuckles to himself)...
The others look at him for the second time
Jack: Shut up Fred...
Member1: whatever... anyway your mission is to capture as many of these as possible and bring them back here.
Member2: You will begin right away, ask Colmarak for some weapons, although we would rather you used stealth instead.
Hans: Colmarak?
Member3: yes, that guy over there
A man in the corner waves enthusiastically.
Member1: now go! save the predons!
The team walk out, following Rio'tley and Colmarak to a room full of weapons.
Colmarak walks around the room collecting guns and mumbling to himself. Rio'tley leans over and whispers to Jack: This guy is a bit nuts about guns, I apologise if he gets too excited.
The man walks over to the team and speaks: Who wants Zat guns!
Fred raises his hand: oh,oh! me! me!
Jack leans over and whispers to Rio'tley: I think we've found the To'kra equivalent of Fred...
Colmarak hands Zat guns to every one and finally gives a staff weapon to Geri
Colmarak: Here, I've been told that you like guns around here, press that button to arm the staff, and again to fire.
Geri: anything else it does?
Colmarak: If you press the button and hold it down for ten seconds it starts a count down... after ten seconds Boom!
Fred: hooray!... Sorry, got a bit excited there...
Colmarak: yes... to stop it, press the button again. oh, wait a minute... if you like explosions, here you go...
He hands Fred a small black box with a button on the side.
Colmarak: press the button and you've got a count down, after ten seconds, something happens... go on, guess!
Fred: erm.... kaboom?
Colmarak: KABOOM! a very BIG kaboom!
Geri: oh whoopee...
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The team have now gathered at the gate, they are armed with their alien weapons and Fred is carrying his lucky pistol on a holster on his left side.
Rio'tley: This is a DHD, you'll use it to get through the star gate. I'll Dial you out to a planet, but to get back here you need to press these symbols in a certain order, which I'll tell you before we leave. Then just press the big red button.
Fred: Can I press the button! Can I press the button!
Rio'tley: I don't see why not...
Fred: Wow! That still looks really cool!
Jack: Shut up Fred.
The team walk through to a new world...
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Part 6: The Blob
SG-Carnage set foot on the alien world. The usual Star-gate clearing was in the middle of a coniferous forest with little or no signs of sentient life. What was there was a large collection of jelly like creatures which were obviously the 'predons' they were meant to catch.
Rio'tley: I don't think we planned this one very well...
Geri: why the hell not?
Rio'tley: I've just remembered what they do to the Gou'olds they sense...
Hans: Do zey not vun avay?
Rio'tley: No... They sort of... well... they sort of take a liking to the person...and they're difficult to remove.
Fred: Don't move, they can't see us if we don't move...
Jack: Fred, one thing.. they probably can see us... a second thing... Shut up.
Fred: sorry...
Rio'tley: AAHH!!! Run away!
Fred: Run Away!!! AHH!
Jack: SHUT UP FRED!
Rio'tley: AAHH!
Fred: AAHH!
Geri, Hans and Jack: Shut up Fred!
Fred: but he was doing it!
Geri: Well you're not going to get.... whatever it is'd by the thing!
Rio'tley: Run for that lake! Maybe they can't swim!
Fred: AAHH!
Rio'tley: For God's sake shut up!
The team run for the lake and dive in. The blob cannot swim as they thought... but it just waits at the lake edge...
Fred takes out his Zat gun and fires it up at the blob on the shore. The blob gets hit and it seems to separate into the little blobs that make it up. The team goes to the surface but Fred has a theory.
Fred: No! don't go on shore! They might be faking it!
Geri: what?
Fred: They might be playing dead, so we go on shore and.... Boom! Rio'tley has a lot of new friends!
Hans: Oh yar, 'the blobs.. oh they so smart' (imitating Fred)
Fred: Shut up Hans!
Jack: Shut up Fred! I'll go on shore and see what's happening, if I get attacked.. well... Fred was right..
He walks on shore and nudges a blob with his foot
Jack: They're either very good actors... or Fred has managed to kill them.. WELL DONE FRED! (sarcasm again)
Rio'tley: I'll get looking for more then... ... maybe in the hills over......there...... help...(little murmur)
Suddenly all the blobs 'leap' at him and cover him
Rio'tley: help me.. muf..humph! (blobs cover mouth)
Fred: I warned you! But did you listen? No... It's only Fred.. He's just a little mad.. the things aren't smart enough to ambush us.. HA!
Jack: Shut up Fred! and help Rio'tley!
Fred: oh, sorry!
The team grab Rio'tley and carry him on their shoulders to the stargate
Geri: Hans... You know what buttons to press?
Hans: I thought you did!
Fred: oh crap...
Rio'tley luckily can still bend his stomach, and he head butts the correct sequence of chevrons.
The team step back onto the desert world, a mission completed; they had a few blob things (stuck to Rio'tley) and no one got hurt (except Rio'tley).
|
|
SG-Carnage meet the blob
by
M
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TITLE: SG-Carnage meet the blob
AUTHOR: M
EMAIL: Scum_bucket_11@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Action/Adventure, AU, Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any; Sequel to SG-Carnage
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: Sequel to SG-Carnage. Episode 3 is coming soon!
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you want more episodes, just tell me...
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After returning from their first successful mission the Carnage team tried to find the ring elevator as they called it.
Hans: Vere is ze bloody thing!
Geri: Easy there German, I think it's somewhere around... aha! here's the spot!
Fred: How the hell do you know that?
Geri: Woman's intuition, now stand close!
The rings started coming up, but stopped half way. The team looked around to find the problem
Jack: Help me...
The rings had managed to come up between his legs and luckily had a safety feature to prevent further damage.
Jack (wheezing): ouch... one could say that stings...
Jack falls side ways into the elevator system and the team are transported into the crystal passages. When their molecules had re-formed Jack was in a lot of pain on his side.
A greeting party had gathered to say well done to the team, not expecting the next thing.
The Predons (or blobs) which incased Rio'tley in a strange cocoon suddenly twitched. The greeting party also twitched, in horror, knowing what was going to happen...
The blobs leapt off Rio'tley all at once and charged at the gathered crowd of To'kra. The crowd then also began to charge... in the opposite direction.
Rio'tley: Oh dear... I think we're in trouble...
Ten minutes later- in Selmak/Carter's room-
Carter: So you got the blobs here by letting them attach onto Rio'tley here and then legging it through the gate . And you didn't think of what would happen here
Eyes glow, Selmak takes charge and gets up again
Selmak: My host finds this hilarious, but...
Scream from corridor as Tok'ra runs past chased by a blob
Selmak: but I don't! You have made... you've made... well... Carnage!! And look at this! This blob's been here for an hour! I'm starting to lose feeling in it! Go and wait in your rooms! Dismissed!
The team walks out
Fred: It's not like they gave us cages or anything
Selmak: I heard that!
Fred: Sorry sir!
Geri: And he didn't even care about Jack, you doin' ok there?
Jack (still wheezing): yes... or maybe... I think I'm infertile... so no... I'm not...(cough)
Fred: You'll be fine! Let's see how Rio'tley's doing in the medical place, they might have removed that blob by now!
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In the med bay-
Rio'tley is in a chair like the ones you find in a dentists, a doctor is using something that looks a lot like a welding tool on the blob holding on to Rio'tley's thigh.
Fred: Hi Rio!
Rio'tley twitches :Ouch!
Doctor: Then hold still!
Rio'tley: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Hans: To laugh I think!
Geri: About right.
Rio'tley: Please leave me alone... ouch!
Doctor: For god's sake hold still! Nearly got it... now, I'm going to put it in that cage over there once it's off, so hold very still...
The doctor runs to the cage with the blob and closes it. The cage is more like a bottle, without air holes and see through.
The blob makes a very high pitched squealing noise that makes the doctor hold his ears and collapse.
Geri: Oh my god! that blob is killing the doctor!She runs in, picks up the doctor and drags him out of the room.
Doctor: Thanks, our research certainly didn't show that affect before... where's Rio'tley?
Rio'tley: I'm in here! Bit of help please!
The doctor removes Rio'tley from the room by carrying him (He can't walk due to the 'welding tool' damaging his thigh)
Fred: It only just occurred to me, but why the hell do those things leap at you guys anyway?
Geri: yer! why is that?
Fred; wait a minute! Didn't you guys think of it all ready? haha! I'm smarter than you guys! hahaha!
Jack (wheezing): shut... up... Fred...
Doctor: We don't actually know; we didn't leave one on long enough to find out...
Rio'tley: Damn right!
Doctor: The blob does seem to be attracted to the chemicals the symbiote emits, so it could just be a coincidence or a deliberate mechanism that does this.
Fred: I bet it's on purpose!
Doctor: Why?
Fred: one; those blobs aren't dumb; they ambushed us with great acting!two; they wouldn't perform great acting if it was for something they mistakenly attacked.
Doctor: good point... I'll think about it while I remove the next blob; NEXT!
The team walk out of the infirmary, with Hans supporting Rio'tley on his shoulder.
Rio'tley: I wonder what those things do? It didn't seem to be eating me, so why should it latch on to me?
Hans: How should I know!
Fred: Leave it to the doc. He'll find out.
Jack: (cough)
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In Fred's room-
Jack: Fred, why is there a stuffed animal in your room?
Fred: There isn't
Jack: There is
Fred: There isn't
Jack: Then what is that?
Fred: A stuffed animal?
Jack: And it is in your room because?
Fred: Teleportation?
Jack: You wouldn't make a very good physicist would you Fred...
Fred: No...
Hans walks in
Hans: Vhy is der a stuffed bear in your room?
Fred: I have no idea... I reckon it's teleportation
Jack: shut up fr... It moved...
Fred: what did?
Hans: Der bear!
Fred: I'll get it Die you Satanic evil alien bear! Hahahaha!
Within seconds the bear is in pieces across the floor, but the pieces begin to turn into a clear liquid and move together T-1000 style.
Fred: Holy Christ it's a blob! What do we do now?
Jack: Run away! Ahh!
Fred: Why do you get to do that!? I couldn't do that on the last planet! You told me to shut up!
Jack: Shut up Fred! and run!
The three run into Geri on the way out and knock her over, but keep running shouting things like "There's a blob in my room" or "We're all gonna die!"
Geri: Men! What's all the fuss about? Oh God it's a blob! wait for me guys!
The team run to the med-bay and start talking all at once at the doctor who for some reason was doing nothing.
Doctor: One at a bloody time!
Fred: There's a freakin' blob in my room!
Jack: And it tried to ambush us by turning into a teddy bear!
Doctor: Don't worry! We know why it leaps at people with symbiotes now! It wants to eat them. But it can't get at them inside the body so it stays stuck to the host. What it really wants is a Jaffa so it can invade the stomach pouch to get at the nice tasting specimen inside!
Jack: Jaffa?
Doctor: What you weren't told all of this? I'm going too complain one day... anyway, the To'kra all carry mature symbiotes that go from person to person. But Jaffas are people who carry a young symbiote in a special pouch in the stomach while it grows.
Fred: oh... So it can't hurt anyone then?
Doctor: Well it can do that screaming thing we saw earlier... That sort of hurt a lot actually.
Fred: But we're safe right?
Doctor: As far as we can tell.
Fred: Yahoo!
All: Shut up Fred!
Jack: yer Fred, have some sympathy! These people are been given major head aches by these things!
Geri: And they can hide as stuff!
Fred: Fine! Doctor, give us some cages for them and we'll hunt them for you!
Doctor: Here you go!
Fred: Let's go! AARGH!!! (he shouts as he runs down the corridor to his room)
Jack: And he was in the military? Jesus, now I know why America lost all of it's own wars...
Geri: What about the civil war? And the war of independence?
Jack: In both of those we were technically fighting ourselves...
Geri: oh...
Hans: Vat about Fred?
Jack: oh yes! wait up Fred! AAAARGH!!! (Runs down corridor)
Geri: What just happened there?
Hans: Vhen in Rome..... AAARGH!
Geri: Men! (walks off down corridor)
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Fred's room -
Fred: He's here some where! I can sense him!
Jack: Well sense where in the room he is then oh mighty psychic one!
Fred: Be quiet! I think he's hiding as a thing again... lets see here... gun, detonators, grenades, pictures, pot plant, bed.... Hang on... pot plant?Don't any one move... Eat hot electricity kinda stuff you alien scum! hahaha!
Jack: That plant pot wasn't a blob Fred. It's always been there...
Fred: Oops...
Hans: Zere! Zere it is! unter der bed!
Fred: I'll take care of this! I'll get you yet you alien blob!
He imerges with the blob in the cage/bottle.
Fred: Hahaha! You didn't out wit me that time! Let's get you to the infirmary my little fiend.
Jack: Fiend? It's hardly the anti-Christ now is it?
Fred: Look what it did to my room!
Jack: That was a magazine worth of your bullets and a zat gun discharge, *not* a blob.
Fred: He made me do it!
Jack: Shut up Fred
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Infirmary -
Doctor: Hold still!
To'kra 1: Ouch!
Fred: Hi Doc!
To'kra 1: OUCH!
Doctor: sorry, what are you doing here?
Fred: I caught one!
Doctor: Put it over there with the others...
Fred: Ok! Now you be a good blob for the doctor.
As Fred walks away the blob starts making the squealing noise and trying to slide up the side of the jar. Fred walks closer to the blob and it stops. He walks away again and it starts up.
Fred: Doc! I think it likes me! Or wants to kill me...
Doctor: That's ridiculous! Blobs don't have feelings, but then again I could understand it wanting to kill you...
Fred: Hey! I'm telling you, it likes me; watch.
He demonstrates the screaming blob to the doctor by walking away and back.
Fred: See!
Doctor: Very odd... Give me a minute here and I'll be right back.
To'kra 1: Ouch!
Doctor: Hold still!
Five minutes later, the team have gathered along with Selmak/Carter for a test.
Doctor: This blob seems to be attracted to Fred over there, which is odd for anything, never mind a blob.
Fred: Hey!
Carter: Continue doctor
Doctor: Thank you, I'll now release the blob; Tz'erun and Selmak, be prepared to run if this fails...
The doctor releases the blob and... it runs at Fred, luckily. Once at Fred it starts crawling onto his shoulders, where it stays.
Fred: I told you it likes me, don't you...
The blob wobbles a bit
Fred: See! He understands me!
Jack: Shut up Fred
Doctor: No wait, he's right... These things are smarter than we give them credit for... It even appears to 'speak' English... But what could we use to communicate?
Geri: I'll be right back! I have a plan!
She runs to her room and comes back a minute later holding something
Geri: This is my Ouija board! It has letters and numbers on it see. The blob can move over the letters it wants to.
Carter (to Doctor): Told you they weren't as dumb as they looked
Fred: Hey!
Geri puts it on the floor and the blob immediately moves to it and starts going letter to letter.
(For ease of typing, I will write like the blob is speaking when it is spelling)
Blob: Hello. I leader of blobs. Help us.
Selmak: You need help? What?
Blob: We people. Goa'uld make us blobs. We attack Goa'uld. He not Goa'uld. I know you not Goa'uld as well.
Selmak: We are the To'kra
Blob: I guessed. Goa'uld destroying world. Other blobs at risk. Help Blobs
Selmak: It's too late, the planet was wiped out, that's why that team went through and got you.
Blob: *@$ (Note: real word censored)
Geri: Language Mr. Blob!
Blob: I need name now. Old name mean nothing. Give new name.
Fred: I'll call him... Jello!
Geri: Shut up Fred! We should call it... Ripley
Hans: Nine! Klaus!
Jack: Shut up every one. I think we should call him Daniel.
Blob: Nice. Daniel good.
Jack: told you so!
Daniel (blob): let blobs go. wont hurt Tokra. Only hurt Goauld.
Doctor: You sure?
Daniel: Yes
Doctor: Ok then. Release the blobs!
Fred starts opening the cages and the blobs ooze out, but stay in the room.
Selmak: What now? We can't just let you go to another planet, the Goa'uld will get you. And you could help us in our fight so much.
Daniel: Correct. We stay here. You feed us with sunlight. We help detect spies. Attack Goa'uld.
Carter: Nice! Some intelligent guard dogs! We'll assign a blob to each To'kra like a pet and we can all be happy; you fight Goa'uld and don't get destroyed. We get your help and some new friends.
Daniel: Sorted. Respect due. I want Fred.
Fred: Told you he liked me!
Carter: SG-Carnage, you have a new team member; Daniel! Lets hook up something so he can talk to us though. Doc?
Doctor: We use this computer for people who lose their speech. It should let Daniel here speak by pressing the buttons. It's a bit much to carry around though...
Daniel moves to the box which is about 30cm X 5Cm X 10cm ad simply absorbs it into him. Because Daniel is see-through the box is visible inside him and you can see the buttons move.
Daniel: Cool! It works! It even has a spell checker!
SG-Carnage: Episode 2 is now over. Stay tuned for episode three and beyond!
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And now for the hatrick...
SG-carnage 3 - Now I've got a trilogy!
by
M
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TITLE: SG-carnage 3 - Now I've got a trilogy!
AUTHOR: M
EMAIL: Scum_bucket_11@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Action/Adventure, AU, Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: Lots! I believe everything to season 3 is spoiled!
SEASON / SEQUEL: future; Seqel to SG- Carnage meets the blob
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: SG-1 meets SG-Carnage. Stuff ensues.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Trilogy! The question is do I call it quits or pull a Gorge Lucas and make six more? I'll see if I can be bothered later!
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Fred was in his room playing with Daniel the predon. The thing was a sentient being, but it sure did act like a puppy with no legs, and Fred loved it.
Fred: Catch the ball! Come on!
He throws the ball up and Daniel stretches out a slimy 'limb' to catch it and return it to Fred. This had been going on for about an hour and no one was getting bored too fast; there wasn't much else to do for Fred.
Jack had gone of to find out more about the Goa'uld from the To'kra. Geri was exercising by running around the long crystal corridors and Hans had gone to establish communication with General Hammond for a status report.
Fred: I'm bored. Want to do something fun?
Daniel: Ok!
Daniel 'spoke' through a speech computer he had enveloped. It was still clearly visible inside him.
Fred: What though? This place sucks as far as entertainment goes.
Daniel: I could make a trip wire and trip up Geri. Would that be fun?
Fred: Funny, but not that fun. Any way, we got her with that one yesterday.
Daniel: Oh yes.
Fred: Let's see what Rio'tley is up to.
The pair walk/ooze out of the room towards the other end of the underground base where Rio'tley is housed.
But half way they meet a panicking Hans
Hans: Goa' get TH!
Fred: Slow down, I can't understand your weird freaky language
Hans: Goa'uld& attacking& Earth
Fred: What! To the star gate to protect Earth! AARGH!
He runs off down the corridor not realising he has no weapons, bombs or that the star gate wont help them.
Hans: Vait! Vait!
But he had already gone. Luckily he still didn't know how to use the ring elevators, so he couldn't get out.
After about half an hour the team were in the council chambers with the To'kra leaders. It took half an hour because Fred didn't even know where the ring elevators were, so he got lost.
Fred: I was only trying to help.
Geri: Thank you Fred. Next time, ask before you charge off.
Selmak: So, what is happening?
Hans: Two mother ships are heading for Earth!
Jacob (Carter): Any more info?
Hans: Nine, we do not even know who's dey are.
Carter: This is bad. Very bad. Looks like your first offensive is going to be a little earlier than planned. But there are two, so we'll need two teams for this. We can get you to the ships with some small spacecraft, you'll need to get on board and destroy them. A second team& I know, Sg-1 already know the ships, I'll send for them! Rio'tley! Send Hammond a request for SG-1!
A few hours later SG-1 arrives on the planet and is greeted by SG-Carnage and the council leaders.
Jacob: Sam!
They hug. The other team members mingle together in conversation
O'Neil: So, Jack, Fred; what have you been up to?
Fred: We saved this species of people that were turned into blobs!
O'Neil: Say what?
Jack: These things!
Daniel (blob): Hi!
Jack: Sweet. I'll just stand away now&
O'Neil: Danny, they have got some weird stuff here. Check out the talking blob.
Jackson: Where? Oh&
He walks over to them
Jackson: Hi! Erm& Talking blob?
Daniel: Hi! I'm Daniel! And yes I AM a talking blob!
Jackson: Ok& I'll be talking with Jack over there now.
Jack (O'Sheen): Nice one Fred, we've already scared them.
Fred: Hey! They're just not open-minded; there's nothing wrong with Daniel.
Daniel: I don't like that guy, he hates me.
Fred: Don't worry; we don't need idiots like him&
Daniel: He's going down&
Daniel oozes off towards Daniel (Jackson) full of hate. He quickly finds a rock on the ground and throws it at him. Then he quickly oozes back to Fred with out Jackson noticing.
Jackson: Who was that?
Everyone just looks around innocently.
The teams are ready in the small ships the To'kra have provided; they resemble the runabouts in Star-Trek. Geri is piloting SG-Carnage's ship, and Sam is piloting SG-1's.
They take off immediately and race towards the distant ships. Luckily for them the faster than light part goes in autopilot.
Jack: So why am I; the Civvy, here?
Fred: Stop complaining, I'll look after you.
Hans: Ve are to destvoy de central energy core& I vonder vere that is?
Jack: In the centre?
Hans: ah!
The team approach the ships around Saturn; they're very close now. But unfortunately, the To'kra didn't expect them to be spotted. About thirty death gliders appear and start getting far too close.
Geri: Hang on! We have got a bit of company!
Thus ensues a dogfight& or it would have if the ships had weapons. Instead they weave around a bit. Unlike in many movies (I think of independence day here) a corny sequence of events does not occur to save the teams.
Geri: Screw this! I'm taking those ships out!
She simply hits the 'forward' button and the ship hurtles towards a mother ship
Geri: Is there an eject button around here?
Hans: ve are in space!
Geri: So?
Fred: Even I know the answer to that!
Jack: I'm not going to dignify the question with an answer.
Rio'tley: Sorry, fell asleep there. Has anything happened?
Jack: Another question I wont dignify&
Rio'tley: Fine!
Jack: Fine!
Geri: Answers to situation anyone?
Rio'tley: Let me guess, you're heading towards the mother ship to try and ram it?
Geri: Yes!
Rio'tley: Oh& I was being sarcastic&
Fred: Doh!
Daniel: I shall save us all!
The blob cleverly makes a bubble large enough for the others to fit in.
Jack: Now I know why there could be an eject button!
Rio'tley: Of course there's an eject button!
Geri: Where?
Rio'tley: That big red one that says 'Eject'
Geri: oh&
She presses the button and leaps in to the bubble. They float into space and the ship rams the Goa'uld mother ship. It leaves a nice big hole in the side and they gently float in. After they find an air lock to get in through, it's Fred's turn to actually DO something!
He sets his explosives and they all float back (they can't really stand in space).
BOOM!
Another big hole, and access to an air lock at last!
They all get in, pressurise it and breathe
Fred: Ha! I did something useful!
Geri: Who'd of guessed!?!
Fred: Not me!
SG-1 aren't having as much luck. They go for the 'I hope a random event helps us' approach. They fly into the Death glider storage bays and quickly disembark. Not before blowing the hangers up of course. This gets both teams on board the mother ships.
Fred: Suggestions?
Rio'tley: Blow up the central core, escape in a death glider?
Jack: We can't do that! That's already been done!
He receives glares&
Jack: What? Sarcasm people!
O'Neil: Suggestions?
Teal'c: We must disable the energy core and then seek a means of escape Colonel O'Neil.
O'Neil: But we've already done that.
He receives glares&
O'Neil: What? Sarcasm people!
SG-Carnage move along a corridor, as usual Fred is acting immaturely and pretending to be some kind of Jim Carrey/ James Bond crossover. He abruptly stops when a garrison of three Jaffa comes around the corner. Lucky for him, Daniel doesn't like Jaffa; they annoy him. You wont like Daniel when he's annoyed.
The little blob oozes along the floor unseen while SG-Carnage runs for cover. As the Jaffa run over him, he trips them up and enters the stomach pouches. Within seconds the young Goa'uld larvae are on the ground dead and some Jaffa aren't going to live very long.
SG-1 moves along a corridor, as usual Jack is being the CO and is making all of those hand signals that are all just different ways of saying 'move forward'. He quickly does the 'stop' hand movement when some Jaffa appear round a corner. Before even he reacts Daniel (Jackson) has zat gunned them all down with perfect accuracy. Daniel doesn't like Goa'uld, they annoy him; you wont like Daniel when you annoy him.
SG- Carnage eventually find the central energy core with guidance from Rio'tley and dodging the Jaffa patrols.
Fred: This is me again right?
Hans: Yar
Fred: Lets see& hhm. Which type of explosive to use, it's just so hard to pick&. I know! C4! That stops anything! He takes out two blocks of the stuff and drops it into the core.
Geri: I'm no expert, but don't we need detonators in those things?
Fred: Hell no! It's my own special blend, it's so sensitive a knock will set it off!
The team stand gasping at the idiot before them, mouths wide open.
Fred: What?
Jack: Shut up Fred.
BOOM!
Fred: There they go! Is running good for you?
But the team had already left.
SG-1 had a similar experience, they found the core, dropped some stuff into it. Enough said. But they had a problem.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neil, how shall we escape without a death glider or ship?
O'Neil: I never thought you'd ask! We use Sam's idea!
Carter: My idea?
O'Neil: You do have an idea right?
Carter: No sir.
O'Neil: Oh for crying out loud!
Daniel: I have an idea. Teal'c, are there any space suits on board?
Teal'c: There is indeed Daniel Jackson; a storage vessel on each deck contains many.
Daniel: So we get them and& then& we think of a plan that uses them.
O'Neil: Ok! Sounds good to me! Lets move it campers!
SG- Carnage needed to get to the hanger. The Jaffa didn't want them to.
Geri: Screw you guys! I'm getting us home! Give me a zat.
She takes out her zat and holds the other one.
Geri: And I thought action movies weren't real.
She leaps out into the corridor sideways firing as many zat blasts as she can at the three unfortunate Jaffa. Two are dead and one is standing there in that sort of electric shock thing. She finishes him off.
Geri: All clear!
Fred: Can I have my zat back?
Geri: No! I want it!
Fred: Hans, tell her. She won't give me my zat back!
Hans: Children&
O'Neil: Die!!!
The gunshots rang loud and killed a couple of Jaffa.
O'Neil: So where was that storage place again?
Teal'c: It is there Colonel O'Neil.
O'Neil: Oh.
He opens it and throws the team a suit each before putting his on.
Daniel: Anyone thought of the concluding part of my plan?
Carter: I have! We jump into space and float around a bit.
Daniel: And I thought my semi-plan sucked&
Carter: Hey1 I'm having a bad day thank you!
Teal'c: We could hijack a death glider as it floats in space.
Daniel: New limits just keep being set&
The hanger was in sight, and no Jaffa for once. Of course, no one except Rio'tley knew how to fly a death glider&
Rio'tley: It's just like am earth ship, with a joystick configuration. Just don't push any buttons! They only fly two, so Fred get in with me. Jack you go with Geri and Hans& Try not to crash on your own.
After many attempts to get in the vertically set out gliders, the campers are ready. They take off and fly around a bit with no idea what to do.
Geri: Ideas?
Jack: Don't get shot.
Geri: Good plan!
Rio'tley: Fred, stop kicking the back of my seat!
Fred: Sorry
O'Neil: I am tempted to go with Teal'c's plan.
Carter and Daniel: What?
O'Neil: Well it's one step better than 'we float in space'. In fact, that is what we are going to do! We are going to hijack a death glider in space! Let's go! Teal'c, how do we hijack it?
Teal'c: There is a 'release' button on the side of the glider that makes the cockpit open. Then we can remove the pilot and fly to Earth.
O'Neil: It's so crazy it's gotta work!
Teal'c: What do you mean Colonel O'Neil?
Daniel: Exactly&
The team run to an air lock and release it. They float out into space and use the handy jetpacks on the back of the suits to find a victim.
O'Neil straight away lands on the windshield of one death glider, but inside is Rio'tley and Fred. Fred of course waves&
The occupants of the glider can clearly see Jack mouth various bad words before steering off to get another glider.
Carter is first to steal a ship; the Jaffa inside didn't even know what hit him (or explosively de-compress him). Carter being the kind person she is, kindly picks up Colonel O'Neil.
Daniel has stuck by Teal'c, due to him not knowing what to do. Luckily Teal'c does. The Jaffa put up a fight this time& He managed to say 'get off my ship' before he was sucked to oblivion.
The Crews of SG-1 and SG-Carnage head off back to Earth with Goa'uld mother ships exploding in the rear view mirrors.
Another mission complete, another planet saved!
Fin :)
Feedback is a requirement if you've read this far!
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