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Crossover Central
by
M
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TITLE: Crossover Central
AUTHOR: M
EMAIL: Scum_bucket_11@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Crossover (Everything I could think of!), Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: Crossovers with as many TV shows as I could think of!
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I don't own the other shows either! I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my master work so far! Remeber, it's funniest if you actually picture whats happening, not just read it like a bad book.
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The SG-C was in mourning. The base had recently become infatuated with Ally McBeal, but due to strict guidelines they couldn't get up to date episodes. At least half the base was in tears, possibly more. A terrible event had rocked the base. People ran through the corridors screaming it. No one could ignore it... Billy was dead; killed by a brain haemorrhage in court... Oh the horror!
In the briefing the day after, SG-1 sat down. General Hammond was still whimpering and had to use a tissue to wipe the tears from his eyes very now and again. Daniel was hurting too; he had been silent since it happened. Carter wasn't taking it well either, she was still wearing pyjamas in the tradition of the show. Only Teal'c and Jack were confused
Jack: It's only a TV show sir, and the actor is still alive. I mean for crying out loud...
He was interrupted by screams in the corridor. A young private ran past the room yelling at the top of his voice; "Billy's dead!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Daniel snapped at that moment and floods of tears came from the now not so silent archaeologist.
Carter: There, there Daniel... It'll be ok.. Ally will get a new boyfriend. A better boy friend who wont leave her for the slut that is Georgia... Damn you! Ally and Billy could have been soooo happy!
Jack was guessing that she was screaming at the imaginary Georgia at this point.
Teal'c: Calm your self; this person does not exist yet you harbour feelings of hate for her?
Hammond: Carter, it wasn't her fault. Billy was to blame the whole time; leave Georgia out of this (sniff)
Daniel: WHY!!!!
Daniel ran out of the room to his quarters.
Jack: Ok... And I thought he was up-set when his WIFE WAS TAKEN OVER BY A GOA'ULD! . Some people just don't have any perspective.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neil, what is happening to the base? On our worlds a system lord's passing does not even receive this much attention.
Jack: I know Teal'c; this doesn't look good. The worse part is still to come. We haven't got any recent episodes. By now she'll have a new boyfriend and the entire cast has probably changed.
Teal'c: Indeed. We must help these people... I have a plan. I may be some time; please do not let me hold up the meeting.
Jack: Ok, see you later Teal'c.
Teal'c: Good-bye Colonel O'Neil.
Jack: He said that like it could be his last good bye or something... like he was attempting an impossible or final mission... weird that isn't it sir...
Hammond: Sniff.... sob...
Jack: Best check on Teal'c...
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Jack found Teal'c at Daniel's quarters and a lot of noise coming from inside
Daniel: Stop Teal'c! It isn't worth it!! NOOOOOO!
Teal'c: It is to help you Daniel Jackson. You must see reality again.
Jack immediately thought "Jesus! He's gonna top himself!" and ran into the room to find...
Teal'c held Daniel's TV above his head and said: It is for your own good Daniel Jackson.
Then he dropped it, and it smashed on the floor.
Daniel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I can't watch the funeral!
Jack: Get over it Daniel! You can use my TV. Teal'c, that was a very bad thing to do... a very funny thing, but still a bad thing.
Teal'c: But I was helping Daniel Jackson. More exposure to this show could destroy his mind. I must destroy every television on this base to prevent further madness.
Jack: No Teal'c you don't....
He had already run out of the room to find more innocent TVs to destroy. Daniel had again collapsed into tears and was now possibly insane.
Jack: I'll leave you two alone...
He escaped and tried to find Teal'c before he threatened Carter's TV. A man's reaction to Ally McBeal maybe crazy, but a woman's reaction is downright psychopathic. He ran up the corridor and found the door open, and again, loud noise coming from the room
Carter: I'm warning you! Put the TV down or I'll F***ing kill you!
Jack thought; "Carter swearing?! For crying out loud"
Jack: Teal'c NOOOOOOOO!!! She'll do it! Put it down!!!!!
He ran around the door in time to see Teal'c drop the TV. Teal'c looked at Jack and Sam charged at Teal'c.
Carter: NOOOOO! Die you B******!!!!
She started punching Teal'c in the head and knocked him to the floor unconscious, were she kicked him some more before Jack separated her from the victim.
Jack: Stand down!!! He's already hurt, killing him would not help the situation!
Carter: But it would feel so good! AARRGH!
He had no choice but to knock her unconscious to prevent any further damage.
The next day the base was still in tears, but with Carter in a padded room for everyone's protection and Daniel in Jack's room to watch the TV.
In the briefing room
Jack: Sir, we need to solve this problem
Hammond: What problem (sniff) would that be?
Teal'c: The disturbed behaviour the base is showing. It has already driven one person insane, more are sure to follow.
Hammond: Look, no one can work like this. We all just need time...
Suddenly a tech guy in a lab coat runs in.
Techie: We've done it!!!
Hammond: What?
Techie: We were so upset we wanted to find away to fix the problem of Billy's death. So we have! We can now use a huge computer, a television and the star gate to actually gate *into* television programs!
Jack: But we can't do that. It would alter soap endings and make scriptwriters obsolete.
Techie: No! It only affects the television that you gate into! We also think that the government could spare some money for a really big wide screen number for us to use...
Hammond: Done! Get on it right away! We MUST save Billy!
Teal'c: Oh my. Colonel O'Neil, I believe that these people's minds have been again warped by television. Would more Television terminations aid the situation?
Jack: No Teal'c! NO! Let's just see if this idea works first.
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Two days later in the gate room
There's a big TV next to the gate and wires and stuff joining the two. The team is assembled, but Daniel is still holding in his emotions, which you can tell will explode at any moment. The techie guy explains...
Techie: You will enter this TV and have the ability to *be* in the program. Unfortunately, the computer in there we just installed is pretty slow, so you can't change channel for about five minutes.
Jack: Change channel???
Techie: Duh! How else would you save Billy? You've got to get his body and then we'll change to this video with a sarcophagus on it so can heal him. Simple
Teal'c: I do not trust your Earth technology. How do we get out in the likely event this goes wrong?
Techie: We rigged up a shutdown control on the computer. It takes about ten minutes though, so don't piss off any swot teams or get into a war film ok.
Carter: And who is controlling where we go?
Techie General Hammond of course.
Hammond: Hi Guys!
Jack: Oh for crying out loud!
Daniel: I must save Billy! Activate the gate now!
Techie: That's the spirit! Activating now! Try not to damage the TV.
The star gate revved up, but didn't dial, and the TV went to the channel Ally McBeal is broadcast on in the US of A. The star gate did the vertical lake thing and the team stepped through into... the office of Ally McBeal.
Jack: K
Teal'c: These people are fictional, I am very confused.
Ally: No! Not more Hallucinations! Larry's only been gone for a few days!
She runs at the team and tries to punch Jack, who grabs her arm
Jack: Whoa there! We're real! Relax there!
Ally: ohh..ohh.... oooh. It's the shoes! The shoes!
Jack: I'll try and find the commanding officer, you guys work on the Billy problem. Oh hi there!
Fish: Oh a military man! Want to sue someone? Or have I messed up again? I'm telling you, the protestors had nothing to do with me!
Jack: Calm down... We're just passing through here...
Elaine: Hi! I just couldn't help noticing the gorgeous, uniform clad soldier you have in your office. Just had to say hi . I'll be at my desk if you need me...
Jack: What the hell was that?
Fish: Oh that was just Elaine, she's normally like that. You were saying about not breaking my legs?
Jack: erm... I'm not going to break your legs...
Fish: Excellent, nice doing business with you, see you later, bye bye now .
Jack: Hey! Show some hospitality here!
Fish: Hospitality is for hospitals; Fishism.
Jack: I might just break your legs; Jackism
Fish: Ok... stay a while, put your feet up. I'm off to the water closet. Elaine! Keep the man entertained.
Elaine appears seemingly out of no-where instantly and gets far too close to Jack for his liking.
Mark: Elaine! What have I told you about this open flirting thing! Come over here!
Jack: Thank God for that...
Meanwhile in Ling's office
Daniel: Where's Billy!
Ling: Who?
Daniel: What? You heartless fiend! He died but a few days ago but you care not?!?
Ling: What are you on about you funny little man?
John: Did someone ask for me? You know I hate being called that!
Ling: No John, it's just this weirdo here, I'll be fine. you funny little man...
John (From out side): I heard that!
Ling: So, you re looking for a Billy who died a few days ago? Try the morgue! That's where most bodies are kept dumb ass.
Daniel: But the funeral must be soon. When's that?
Ling: How should I know? Billy's your friend not mine!
Also mean while in Ally's office
Carter: So you said Larry's been gone? Who's Larry?
Ally: I'm sorry but I don't explain myself to complete strangers
Carter: Hi, I'm Sam, nice to meet you Ally. Now who the *Hell* is Larry
Ally: He's my boyfriend ok!
Carter: And so soon after your life's love's death!?! You slut!
Ally: How dare you! out,out,out! Get out! .
back to Ling's office-
Daniel: Billy worked here for years! How can you say that?
Ling: Pardon? I'd know if a Billy had work..ed here... Oh... You mean Billy... He has sort of been dead for like a year or so now.
Daniel: What the!!!!
Jack runs in
Jack: Danny-boy! I think there's a problem!
Daniel: You're telling me? Billy's been dead for a year!
Jack: Exactly! Get the team here now!
After Daniel dragged the team from their arguments (Teal'c just stood there to avoid damaging his mind) Jack said something of common sense.
Jack: We are in the present series! At the base we get the old ones! I don't think the sarcophagus can bring that Billy guy back now!
Daniel: Yes, I sort of found that out in the office over there.
Carter: oh! So you mean she isn't a slut?
Jack: What?
Carter: She's got a boy friend
Daniel: Oh! Who?!
Carter: Some guy called Larry
Daniel: oh, is he nice?
Carter: How should I know!? I haven't met him yet!
Daniel: oh
And then Elaine walked over and instantly noticed the uniform clad, muscle bound man that is Teal'c. With no control, she started sweating so much she nearly drowned and had to run off to the toilets so Mark didn't see it; the last time she did this it nearly broke up the relationship.
Jack: And I thought these people were weird....
Carter: Hey! You aren't that normal either!
Jack: Don't speak to a commanding officer that way!
Carter: GGGGRRR (sound affect normally used for Ling)
Daniel: Wow! Do that again!
Carter: GGGRRR (plus evil look at Daniel)
Jack: Not only is this now very weird but I'm detecting signs of side effects. Any one else got problems?
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neil, I appear to be having hallucinations; I see a small infant dancing on the desk over there.
Daniel: Damn it! Why does every one else get to see the cool stuff!
Jack: Daniel, I think we may be in trouble here. Theories Major?
Carter: We have invaded a dimension not of our own. So maybe it's trying to balance itself out by assimilating us into it self.
Jack: English
Carter: We're turning into the TV show sir.
Jack: Sweet
Daniel: NOOOOO!
Jack: Oh for crying out loud what is it now?
Daniel: I'm seeing the things Billy saw! Like the people dancing on the desk.
Jack: so?
Daniel: Jack! He died of a brain tumour! One that caused these particular hallucinations!
Jack: Oh great! We'll get you checked out when we get back.
Daniel: OK
Teal'c: O'Neil, these visions are getting very disturbing. I am now seeing the SG-1 team singing with Al Green.
Jack: You know who Al Green is?
Teal'c: I have been studying Earth culture in my spare time.
Jack: There's nothing we can do here, hey Tech guy! Get us out of here!
Radio starts to crackle: Sorry Jack, we've got a problem here. The computer crashed. It'll be about a day to fix the damn thing. We can't even change channel!
Teal'c: I believe I am obliged to now say I told you so' if my knowledge of Earth customs is correct.
Jack: Teal'c, you're right. You did tell us so. But now we've got to last a day here! I'm going to tell the boss guy what's happening. If you start turning into another character, tell me!
Teal'c: What about my visions?
Daniel: I'll ask Ally, she had the visions' originally.
Carter: I'm going to run some tests, see if Daniel has a brain tumour.
Jack walks up to the office of Richard again to say he'll be stuck here for a day.
Jack: erm... Excuse me?
Richard: Oh no... now you do want to break my legs. Why can't you people just make up your minds!
Jack: For crying out loud! I am not going to break your legs!
Richard: Ok, come on in.
Jack: Thank you, and I have even better news for you. We're staying for a day or so! Our erm... train was cancelled and our military leader said to stay here. So don't say no or I have permission to kill you.
Richard: oh... Ok then, it's not like we actually do any work in the place. Oh hi John
John: Richard, have you seen my button?
Richard: Which one?
John: The toilet flusher, I think I left it in here somehow.
Richard: I'll check.... Here it is! Catch oh, and the nice military people are staying for a while.
John: What! We can't have these people here! They'll ruin business.
Richard: No, no, it's fine. They've threatened to kill me if they don't stay.
John: Oh, that's nice. Ling! We need to get to court! Santa Vs. Mall case is on again.
Meanwhile in Ally's office---
Daniel: Ally! We need your help!
Ally: What is it now?
Carter: Our friend Teal'c has developed hallucinations like yours!
Ally: How do you know about my hallucinations? Has Richard told everyone?!
Carter: Would it help if we said we were from an alternate universe in which your life is a TV show and we teleported in resulting in us developing characteristics from people around here?
Ally: No, not really
Daniel: Would it help if I did a little dance?
Carter and Ally: What?
Daniel: Sorry, I think Elaine is rubbing off on me.
Carter: We better get Jack and try to get out of here.
Daniel: But I want to dance!
Carter drags him out mumbling to herself
Meanwhile in Richard's office ---
Jack: Wonder what Teal'c's seeing now?
Richard: Oh, wait, let me guess. Teal'c is hallucinating like Ally.
Jack: How do you know that?
Richard: I listened to you speaking out side; so your aliens from another dimension?
Jack: oh yes... One that has you as a TV show in it. Unfortunately we're about three seasons behind and we are all very confused.
Richard: Really, so you can't predict the future?
Jack: Three seasons BEHIND.
Richard: ok, ok.
Carter: Sir! Daniel's starting to act like Elaine.
Jack: Jesus, get him away from me! He might start coming on to me!
Carter: no, he just wants to dance and sing like Elaine.
Jack: oh, that's ok then.
Richard: He can sing at the bar tonight. If he wants.
Daniel: Oh yes! I'd love it!
Jack: Carter, try to find a nice quiet room were we cannot disrupt the place too much.
Carter: yes sir. Come on Dan-Elaine
Daniel: I just want to dance and sing!
They walk off leaving Jack with Richard.
Richard: Nice looking major. You... you know?
Jack: That would be against military rules.
Richard: But you want to right?
Jack: No, what makes you think that?
Richard: Have you looked at her? She isn't exactly a dog.
Jack: Yes, but I mean... Military rules...
Richard: You can break the rules for woman; fishism. And for that woman, you could break a lot of rules. I mean you are in another dimension.
Jack: But they can see us... We're on TV right now.
Richard: cool, what time is it there?
Jack: It's about three in the afternoon.
Richard: But that would mean I couldn't do this...
He writes various swearwords on a piece of paper and is about to reveal it when it suddenly combusts.
Richard: Damn, so we are a TV show... That explains so much... Like where we get our money from. I mean we don't even get that many cases... It all makes sense... hhmm.
Jack: Don't worry you wont get cancelled. When that Billy guy died it reduced the entire world to tears.
Richard: Did you see the hallucinations?
Jack: Not personally, but my team probably did; I don't really watch the show.
Richard: All right. Well you can use the boardroom to stay in for now. I'm off to sell this story to the newspapers.
Later that night in the bar-
Carter: Nice of them to invite us here.
Jack: I think they just want to see Danny-boy sing; I do.
Daniel: I can't wait!
Announcer: And now for the singing talents of Daniel Jackson!
Daniel: Yay!!!
He walks on stage and the band starts playing. He starts to sing...
Daniel: On the Rivers of Babylon!
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Carter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neil, I believe I am hallucinating again; I see Daniel Jackson on stage singing a very disturbing song.
Jack: We all do Teal'c... We all do...
Teal'c: Then the disease has spread! I should have destroyed the televisions when I had the chance.
Carter: No, he IS on stage singing.
Suddenly Teal'c starts...... Laughing!
Jack: What the! This is getting weird!
Teal'c: I do not...(giggle)... Know what is going on...(giggle).
Carter: Sir, I'm getting scared...
Jack: We all are Sam... We all are...
Fortunately the radio starts up: Jack...come in Jack. This is the SGC. We can't shut the thing down but we can change channel! What do you want?
Jack: Change channel, please change channel! I can't take the singing.
Radio: Don't worry we got it on tape. We're sending you to ER, it must be the safest place for now.
The world starts to bend and flex side ways and the team are left standing in a corridor.
Jack: Now if you start acting like a doctor, tell me. Daniel's singing was bad enough, lets not start operating on each other.
But it was too late. Carter had already run off shouting "I need 3CCs of nitrite panthazol" or something. Teal'c started saying "Is he going to be ok" to a doctor, who for some reason answered "Yes". Then Daniel ran off screaming "I have a brain tumour!!!"
Jack was afraid of what he might do, but found out his purpose soon enough. A large container fell on his head and knocked him unconscious. Fortunately, he was in a hospital and some people took him to a cubicle to inspect the damage.
When he woke up he found Carter and Teal'c looking over him.
Carter: He's awake!
Daniel: Hi! I'm over here!
He was in the bed next-door.
Daniel: I've got a brain tumour and they're goanna take it out! I'm going to be ok!
Jack: I've gone to hell...
Radio: Hello? Welcome back Jack! After the op. We're goanna change to another channel. See you in an hour!
Daniel had his operation performed by a brilliant brain surgeon and was OK. Jack got better and Carter helped save little Jimmy's life (who ever he was). Then the radio came back.
Radio: Ready to change?
Jack: Ready as we'll ever be
Radio: Ok... Wait! The computer's going wrong again! No!!! Not the movie channel!! NOOOOOOOOOO!
The world warped and flexed again and they saw where they were; on top of a skyscraper with a lot of dead people around.
Daniel: Oh crap! It's the Matrix!
Jack: Oh for crying out loud! Who's Neo out of us lot? I'd like not to be shot.
Agent: More outsiders? You are a plague and I am the cure!
He fires at Teal'c, who goes all Keanu Reeves and dodges them in the appropriate style. Then Jack runs at the agent and jumps. He hovers for a bit while the camera goes around him and then kicks. The agent luckily falls off the building.
Jack: Damn that was cool!
Daniel: I just want to go home! This is the ideal place for me to get hurt! And I think the troops at SGC have a pool going on how long I can last!
Teal'c: He is correct, we need to get out of this movie. And Daniel Jackson; there is a pool, I have bet five dollars that you will not get hurt.
Daniel: Hooray!
Jack: Don't get too cocky! I've got fifty that says you'll last half an hour more!
Carter: I bet on ten minutes... That's twenty I wont see again.
Radio: Trying to change channel, sorry if this goes wrong!
The world again began to warp and bend around a bit. This time when they re-appeared it was on the sports channel in an American football game. Almost immediately Jack ran off shouting "twenty two, forty three! Hut hut!" Teal'c had no idea of what the game was and stood there. Carter ran off and started to jump around screaming "Yay Jack, he's our man, if he can't do it no one can!"
Daniel jumped into the crowd and started cheering Jack on.
Then some one tackled Teal'c and an unexpected result arose; Teal'c punched the man in the chest and killed him. Teal'c than went around the whole field killing people with one hit fatalities like he was giving out sweets to the poor. In the now player-less field Jack scored a touch down and as a celebration TRIED to moon walk, but instead just kind of walked backwards.
Radio: Go Jack! But the next channel awaits! Nice celebration; we got it on tape!
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Teal'c: This is indeed a disturbing universe...
The world again bent around and re-formed in... Sesame Street.
Jack: Who is watching this at SGC?
Radio: We told you, it's at random!
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson! Look out! A large Bird is about to attack you!
Daniel: No, that's just Big Bird; he's harmless.
Big Bird: Hi every one! Today's show is brought to you by the letters Z and X and the number 4!
Jack: Do I have to go along with this?
Carter: No, you can do anything you want remember.
Jack: The Grouch is going down! I've always hated that guy!
Jack runs up to the famous dustbin and knocks on the lid.
Oscar: Hey! What are you doing?!
Jack: This is for being so grouchy!
Jack punches the little green man in the face a few times and rolls the dustbin down the road.
Daniel: Sam, that isn't really in keeping with the theme of a children's show is it?
Carter: So?
Daniel: Aren't we meant to merge into these things?
Carter: Oh yes... It must depend on our knowledge of the show or something... It would explain our reactions to the football game.
Teal'c: Major Carter, this large bird is showing signs of becoming violent
Daniel: No, he's just leaping around and being fun, to teach children about numbers.
Teal'c: On television? Your race tries to harm your young's minds at an early age? I must stop this.
He walks over to Big Bird and grabs his beak. Teal'c then proceeds to throw him around (and over his shoulder) while he tries to explain the number 4 through a broken beak.
Teal'c: I will not allow your evil to damage this culture's youth you evil fowl.
With that he deals a deathblow and kills Big Bird.
Jack: NOOOOO! Big Bird! Why?!!!
Teal'c: He was damaging your world's youth
Jack: But... that's Big Bird!
Daniel: So?
Jack: Oh well... Best make the most of this... Anyone got a cooking device? We might as well eat him.
Carter: Now that IS sick.
Teal'c: I agree with Colonel O'Neil. The carcass should not be left to waste.
Daniel: But how do we cook it? And how long per pound... and how many pounds!?
Jack: Good point. Hammond... Can we have a new channel before the Elmo tries to avenge his friend's death?
Radio: Coming right up!
Queue the stretchy screen sequence...
Teal'c: Major Carter, we appear to be in the middle of a desert, should we try to find water?
Jack: Hang on, I think a car's coming down this road here.
A cloud of dust moves from the distance towards the team, as it draws closer it doesn't slow down, but keeps heading for the team. It flies towards them, but stops suddenly centimetres away from Jack's clenched face.
Roadrunner: Meep meep!
Teal'c: Should I catch this bird for sustenance?
Jack: Everybody down now!
The team hit the deck like the military trained force Daniel isn't just in time to hear a huge explosion and a have a rock fall inches away.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neil, how did you know off this?
Jack: Easy, every time the bird stops the coyote tries out some stupid idea that back fires.
Road Runner: Meep meep!
Daniel: I don't know about you guys but I always felt sorry for that coyote. I'm goanna get that ostrich thingy.
Carter: Lets get im!
Teal'c: I do not feel the grudge, but I will hunt it for food.
Carter: Sir?
Jack: Oh what the hell! Lets bag that turkey!
Carter: Road Runner sir.
Jack: What ever!
SG-1 set about constructing an intricate trap, a pile of birdseed to attract the dumb beast and cunning trip wire that when tripped will send a mountain of rocks and boulders down.
Carter: Finished!
Jack: Let's wait...
And they did... See how they wait... (Guinness advert music starts up)... Tick follows tock, follows tick, follows tock. They wait. That's what they do. (End of advert break)
The Road Runner runs up to the birdseed and starts to eat.
Daniel (whispering): Why didn't we bring guns?
Jack: (also whispering): I didn't think we'd be par taking in a spot of bird killing now did I?
The trap tripped. Half the mountain flew down.... Well the other half of the mountain.
The obviously cunning bird ran away (that IS what Road Runners do) leaving the trap ineffective. Then, as if by magic, a strange half pipe like cliff appeared opposite the trap.
Jack: Two things! I know what's coming and what the hell just happened there? Oh for crying out loud! Run!
The team scramble away just in time to see their hiding place pelted with half a mountain.
Carter: I don't understand it sir, the laws of physics state that those rocks could not have come back up to this height.
Jack: We aren't in the physics world anymore. We all play by their rules now.
Teal'c: Whose rules are they Colonel O'Neil?
Jack: Them!
He points at the dust cloud in the distance
Jack: Or in this case it. But you get the point.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Daniel: I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
Jack: Let's hear it.
Daniel: Well we...whisper, whisper..... BOOM!... whisper, whisper.
Carter: Genius! Let's try it!
The team scurry away to their positions, Jack sits on the side of the road and Teal'c, Carter and Teal'c hide behind nearby rocks.
Jack stands up and begins saying things in a long, drawn out, deliberate way.
Jack: I'll just bend down here, below this rocky outcrop and lay in wait of the bird. It is such a good thing he isn't right behind me about to go meep, meep' so my head would hit the rock!
Just then, the bird appears and goes meep, meep'. This results in Jack getting a headache. But the Road Runner isn't safe yet. The other members of the team all leap out at once and scream at the innocent creature. It promptly leaps up in shock and knocks itself unconscious on the rocky out crop. Teal'c simply walks over and breaks the bird's neck in a humane, painless way.
Carter: Great plan Daniel!
Daniel: I know! If that trick worked on the poor coyote, why not on the satanic bird?
Jack: Ouch, why didn't you leap out before? Now I'll need a TON of Aspirin.
Teal'c: The timing was not correct O'Neil.
Radio: Nice work! We had a pool going on down here on how long it'd take to get that thing! I've won ! Anyway, we think one more change of channel should get you home, so try to survive the next show and it should be fine.
It's the bendy world bit again...
When it had once again re-formed, the team (even Teal'c) knew where they were; on the set of Jerry Springer!
Springer: And on today's show, top secret government teams that go to other worlds but face problems closer to home. Welcome SG-1.
The team goes to sit down.
Springer: So, you go to other worlds through a star gate and have lots of adventures?
Jack: That's true Jerry...
Springer: But you have problems closer to home right?
Jack: That's right... I'd just like to take this opportunity to say... Sam, will you marry me?
Sam: Yes Jack! Of course! But what about military procedures?
Jack: them! I love you Sam!
Sam: I love you Jack!
The two run off stage to get married right away by a priest kindly provided by Mr. Springer.
Audience: Jerry, Jerry.
Springer: But Daniel, you have a problem too? Is it your wife being taken over by an evil alien space parasite?
Daniel: No Jerry, it's much worse than that...It's that on a week ends I'm called... Danielle! And Teal'c has been going out with me without realising!
Teal'c: I did know Daniel/Danielle Jackson, and I'd just like to say... Will you do me the honour of giving me your hand in marriage?
Daniel/Danielle: Oh yes Teal'c!
They run off stage and get married by the same priest.
Audience: Jerry! Jerry!
Springer: In our final thoughts for today, we must think about the consequences of our actions. If you want to beat up your wife, you might get arrested, but do it on this show and you'll get a big cheque! Next week, people who beat up their wives! Bye for now!
Radio: Jesus..... That .... Was THE funniest thing I've EVER seen! This channel change should bring you home!
Oh look, it's the stretchy world visual effect again...
Reform in... The gate room.
Jack: Thank god that's over...
Daniel: You're happy? I nearly got married to Teal'c!
Jack: Stop whining for crying out loud. Where is everybody?
Radio: Jack. Where are you?
Jack: Erm... the gate room?
Radio: We're there, you aren't...
Just then, the doors open and in walk SG-1.
Original Jack: What the Hell?
New Jack (or Jack 2): What the Hell?
Daniel: Wha?
Carter: I'll second that.
Carter 2: I'll third it.
Teal'c: Hhhmm
Teal'c 2: Hhhmmm
Radio: Cool!
Jack: Change channel! This guy looks nothing like me! He ugly!
Jack 2: You want a piece of me you fake Jack! And you ugly!
Carter (1 + 2): No Sir! Don't touch him!
Too late, the Jacks punch, but instead of a Ouch' it's a Squelch' as the two start to merge
Radio: Man! That ugly! I was trying to eat in here!
Jack: Get off me!
Jack 2: Get off ME!
Carter: Damn it, two dimensions, and same matter... They always merge in the movies so what does he do? He touches his double! Typical sir...
The merging complete (although General Hammond was violently ill), One Jack stood there and said...
Jack: Sweet. Lets get out of here!
Radio: Bringing you home, the General was ill so the de-briefing will be a while.
Jack: Double sweet.
Radio: NOOOOO! Not again! The damn computer! I'll never buy from Tiny again!
Guess what SFX come up now kids... Yay! The world-changing bit!
The new world was strangely flat and walking was impossible. The team just sort of wobbled along.
Jack: What the is this place and why do I keep ing swearing!
Carter: Shut up Jew!
Jack: I am not a ing Jew!
Daniel: hhmmph!
Teal'c: What was that Daniel Jackson? You're voice seems muffled under that orange coat.
Jack: Oh it's South Park! Everyone protect Daniel!
The team move along slowly around Daniel and try to get to safety.
Kyle: Who the Hell are you?
Daniel: HHMPH!
Stan: Oh.
Carter: You can tell what the he's saying?
Stan: Sure, he speaks like Kenny.
Kenny: HHMPH!
Kyle: Yeh!
A whistling noise can be heard
Jack: Protect Daniel!
Just then, a Goa'uld mother ship hovers overhead and a plethora of Jaffa beam down
Stan: Cool!
Daniel: HHMPH!!
Jack: Run!
The team run away and hide in a house.
Radio: Jack! We've got it! But there's a snag...
Jack: Who the cares! How do I get out?!
Radio: We've opened up a small portal that you need to get into. But that portal is under the ship!
Carter: I hate you guys! I hate you guys so much!
Jack: Thank you! Let's run away!
The team run at the shimmering portal below the ship, and dodge the energy blasts firing at them in a somersaulting, South Park way. They get t the portal, but before they leave, Teal'c turns to the Jaffa and shouts in his calm way;
Teal'c: Screw you people! I am going home!
He then leaps in the portal and out of the star gate he tumbles.
Hammond: Welcome back! We got it all on tape! The president will love it! The whole base was watching it! They've totally forgotten about Billy!
Teal'c: We have replaced the Ally McBeal program and are revered even more?
Hammond: Yes! You're a star!
Teal'c: But Ally McBeal was evil; it destroyed half of the base's mental health.
Jack: Can it Teal'c. If the president wants to see us, that is all that matters. Lets go to de-briefing.
The team minus Teal'c walk out.
Jack: Daniel, where is Teal'c?
He looks around to see Teal'c with the huge, expensive Digital plasma wide screen television above his head.
Jack: NOOOOOOOOO!
He dives at Teal'c and it freeze frames in mid-air.
Fin :)
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Earth 3, Goa'uld 0
By M
TITLE: Earth 3, Goa'uld 0
AUTHOR: M
EMAIL: Scum_bucket_11@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Challenge (1,207), Humor
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: Asguard are mentioned
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: violence
SUMMARY: The Goa'uld find out about our planet
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Please don't call me a racist, it is ONLY a JOKE!
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System lord narrator: Hi! I'm a system lord narrator in the year 3300! I tell little children about the history of the planet called Earth. They need to learn this so they can FEAR it! Those Earthling guys just wont die! And now it's time for my story! Are we sitting comfortably? Then don't! Either way, I'll begin...
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a race called the Asguard protected the worthless planet called Earth. At the time it was only moderately annoying, although it did stop two mother ships and killed Ra, but they were just flukes... Any how, one day a big important guy died and the Goa'uld were very happy. That's because the important guy really sucked! He kept signing and making treaties which annoyed everyone! So one day (after his death) a REALLY big important guy came forward. He was Goa'uld, but was a complete psychopath. All he wanted to do was blow-up Earth because he stayed there on holiday and the hotel was TERRIBLE! So he tried to get some help from the other system lords; who said 'Yes! But what about the Asguard and those annoying treaties?'. The important guy (who was called B.G) simply said 'I've taken care of that! I simply wiped out their ship's computer systems!'
And the amazing thing was... He had! The system lords went to Earth and stayed in orbit a while until the planet had used up it's Nuclear weapons (foolishly). But then a mistake was made! B.G said "Wait! I'm not going to destroy the planet! I want to take it over! mwuhahaha!" So he sent his death gliders at a TINY country called Britain. What he didn't know was the humans (especially the British) had some cool aircraft too! This is the radio footage of that day-
Jaffa 1: Going in to attack the big city place!
Tony Blair (Ruler of country): I think not you alien conservative scum! We'll fight you on the beaches! We'll fight you on land! Not in the country right now because of foot and mouth! But we'll also fight you in the air!! Hahahaha! Eat this!
Cherie Blair (Ruler's woman): Come in Tony! Get into the bomb shelter will you!
Tony: Coming dear!
Squadron leader 1 of RAF (Earthling death gliders): Everybody now! fire!
At this point 400 cruise missiles; 3000 anti air missiles and a sheep thrown by a farmer flew at the first squad of death gliders and blew them to small pieces! Who'd of thought the Earthling weapons would work!
B.G: Damn it! Good thing I've got more! Squad 2! Attaaaaaack!
Jaffa 2: Die British peoples!
At this point some death gliders actually took off vertically! That's right! Vertically! and attacked the second team! And they won as well!
B.G: Damn it again! Lets attack that big area over there! You know! The one that seems to have lots of TV shows! America! That's it! They wont fight! Send the land troops to that place there with all the cattle (Author: That's Texas to the non stereotypical).So a battalion landed in Houston, Texas and began trying to find people... But no one was there for a minute Then suddenly!
From the distance: Yeeehaaa! Let's get those alien suckers!!!!
W. Bush (Ruler of country): Welcome to my home land! I knew this would happen! That's why I made it law for every one above the age of 4 to own a gun! Charge!!!!
And they did! They mercilessly gunned down the entire team!
B.G: I'm getting annoyed now... attack the place over there called China!
He again sent a squad to take over that poor place. But they didn't like it! Over 500 people leapt out from an area the size of a small shed and beat the squad to death shouting (In Chinese) "Die! This is our land! We need our crops! Die!!!!"
B.G: whoa... didn't see that one coming... send another squad to set up an outpost there... It's so cold no one will live there!
So a squad went to Moscow and found that people did live there. And before they all died horribly they reported that the locals were adept at making 'Molotov Cocktails' out of a substance called Vodka.
B.G: Damn this planet and it's cheap hotels! Attack Japan! They don't even have an army!
So the squad landed and were trampled to death by the crowds of people in the street before they had even had chance to report back
B.G: Cunning defence strategy! Very cunning... Oh what the hell, just blow up the planet!
And then there was a knock at the control room door.
B.G: Apophis, get that will you
Apophis: Yes B.G oh really important lord guy
But when he opened the door...
It was SG-1! All with Zat guns and grenades!
Jack: Hi there Apophis! I knew you were behind this!
B.G: Oh no he isn't!
Audience at home (and author): Oh yes he is!
B.G: Shut up! I am behind this Human! I will rule the world!
Daniel: Oh my God Jack! It's... (dramatic music...)
Sg-1 team: Bill Gates!
Bill: No! My identity is revealed! I'll get another court case for this!!! I should have stuck with ruling the computer world! It's easier and no one tries to stop you!
All this time we thought B.G stood for Big Goa'uld! But no! We had been tricked!
Carter: This is for Windows 98! It was the same as 95 you con man!
And she shot him right between the eyes!
Carter: What? It kept crashing ok!?! I get really annoyed!
Apophis: Ok, now that that's all sorted out I'll be on my way, I'd rather not be killed by the Asguard! Bye!
Then from the door way behind SG-1... "I don't think so!"
Apophis: No! It can't be! I killed you my self!"
Mystery man: Don't believe every thing you see old man! I, your arch enemy will strike you down!
Apophis: Not if I can help it! Guards! Fire!
The beam's they fired bounced off a rod of light and hit the guards again; the man stepped out.
Obi Wan: You are weak in the force Apophis! This one's for Qui-Gon, who'd of thought YOU were the evil emperor guy!
And then he sliced up Apophis into small bits.
Then another evil villain appeared in the corner of the room (he was quiet so we didn't see him) said "I'm getting out of here!" But then ANOTHER tea of good guys appeared and said "Shredder! You're time is up!"
Shredder: No!!!! Those turtles ruin every thing I do!!!
Leonardo (The blue one I think...): You wont escape this time!
And a fight scene started with cartoony sound effects and bad animation. At the end Shredder was dead and the Earth was saved. Not just saved, but a better place. Now Shredder wasn't around, so children became less violent when the Turtles show (which now didn't have a baddie) was cancelled. They even showed elders respect!
Then, with no Bill Gates, iMac's ruled the world and NOTHING EVER CRASHED!
Luckily though, another guy to play the evil emperor was found and the Star Wars trilogy of trilogies carried on filming!
The world was happy and had been saved! Damn those humans/turtles/Jedi !!!
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